Howard out - Howard in .....

Sorry, was there a change?
Some sad jerky old man lost his way and seems to have been replaced by a fish.
Ha, I know, you're saying: There is a big difference between a "sad jerk" and a "fish".
Yes, there should be, but is there.
Only time will tell.
It'll all come out with the bathwater.
The conveyor belt only stops when the man at the end pulls the lever.
(I have no idea what I'm saying.)
I'm confused. I need more sleep. I need some sleep.

You want to visit Australia?

My partner received the following in an email from an aunty in the Netherlands.

As yet, don't know where it has come from. Hopefully it is safe for me to take and paste and I cannot be sued for breach of copyright. If I am sued, I will take you all with me.

It is claimed the material was posted on an official Australian Tourism website and, thus, the responses were written by officials, bureaucrats. I hope so. We know we have a sense of humour, sometimes those who represent us seem to have forgotten it.

For now, let's just read and relax.

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Garlic is in!

Yes, that's me in garlic.
The crop is ready.
It looks good, it looks great, years will be added to people's lives.
This crop was planted after Easter this year and grew with enthusiasm.
All I did was water it and weed around it.
Amazing.
So simple, why don't more folk do it?

Here's a waitress I want when I go to a restaurant

The press in the US went crazy yesterday over a story that Hillary Clinton's team had eaten in a restaurant and failed to leave a tip.
The waitress, when questioned, said she did not understand all the commotion.

“You people are really nuts,” she told a reporter during a phone interview. “There’s kids dying in the war, the price of oil right now — there’s better things in this world to be thinking about than who served Hillary Clinton at Maid-Rite and who got a tip and who didn’t get a tip.”

Read the full tale here:

Biograpgy of Bill Clinton? Not!

My last entry, "Who the heck is Jon Doust" worked so well getting this blog back on Google's first page of Jon Dousts, I wondered if it would work for Bill Clintons.
Only one way to find out.
Here it is.
Which brings me to the US election.
It's none of my business and I do not wish to be accused of interfering in the internal politics of a foreign country.
And that what it is, a foreign country, the US.
Its democratic processes are foreign to me. I don't get them. The electoral process in deciding who the next President will be seems as democratic as that of mainland China.
Indeed, mainland China's processes are completely unknown to me and they may well be even more democratic.
What is clear is that in China it is not the richest bloke who wins, so he must engage in some kind of lobbying process that gets him there, which more than likely means making mates and gathering votes.
There.
Let's see if this works.
If you want to read a real biography of William J Clinton, go here: Bill.
Then there's Bill Clinton jokes: Joke.

Who the heck is Jon Doust?

While surfing the net, checking if this blog would still rate on Google, I happened on the above heading.
Guess what? There's another Jon Doust plying the vapour world.
And he reckons he's better looking than me.
Check him out:
Not bad.
He lives in France. Got a business there. Was there during the rugby world cup and wasn't sure who he should yell for.
I was yelling for the All Blacks, poor buggers play beautiful rugby every day except the one that matters.
Now check me out:

Sorry, that's another bloke.
Obviously a bloke who has played too much rugby and always lead with his face.
No idea who he is.
This is me:

Notice the fine cheek bones and the square jaw, all characteristics of the Southern Hemispheric Dousts.
(I think the other Jon has a similar jaw. Must be cousins.)
Ok, why am I searching Jon Dousts on Google?
Well, I'm not really, just been a while since I made an entry and I wondered what that meant.
It means, this blog has slipped down the first Google page.
What does that mean?
It means I either get back to it, or it slips further.

Here's some other news
My garlic is almost ready to harvest.
Pics coming.
I have very high levels of lead in my urine.
This house we live in is for sale.
We have another house in Albany, deep south of Western Australia, where we will live from December this year.
Why?
It's colder, wetter, greener, nicer, wilder.
Yes, all good reasons.
It is on the tip of this side of this continent and the only place to follow is Antarctica.
Humpback whales love it and regularly pass by.

Whales!
Let us hope that the insane decision of the Japanese government to kill 500 magnificent humpbacks fails in its implementation, because the humpback mob will remember and may not pass by again, or may even take their anger out on folk who love them.
While you're here, why not sign this:
www.whalesrevenge.com
Or even give money to these courageous people:
www.seashepherd.org/
Or take a look at the other Jon Doust's blog:
Jon Doust
Or go here for the latest news on a new book:
The Last Whale

Interesting
This blog shows up on Google's page 22 of Jons.
Have to work on that.